Moving?!!?!

No, it wasn't the PBR and great company that kept me up last night. It's the impending move. I want to stomp my foot - Veruka Salt Style - and say "No, I don't wanna". I love my little oasis that is A428. It still smells new and i have artwork I haven't even hung yet. Sigh.
The carpet is lovely and new still - the blue stain in the bathroom was caused by yours truly. The refrigerator smells like tofu and the construction dust on the floor is mixed with MY hair. MINE. I love my annoyingly hipster neighbors, my mailbox that never gets anything but catalogues. I DON'T WANNA.

Saturday Office Coverage

I'm sitting in my office - at my desk - on a SATURDAY. This isn't fun. We rotate through managers, one of us has to be here on Saturdays. Today is my day. I didn't shower. I reapplied mascara over yesterday's smuges and I'm bitter. Buttttt - I haven't written in a long time. And now, with nothing else to do and the endless world of facebook seemingly exhausted, I am blogging. Novel concept for someone who supposedly does this regularly. I am feeling pretty good lately. I have been getting along swimingly with the parents...amazing what changes when I can once again pay my own rent. Shantae is doing well, she putts around just fine. I've been lucky to have a good girlfriend move back from LaLa Land and we have been hanging out a lot. Danny moves back this weekend...and voila! The Rebranding of moi is manageable.

Letter to new brides

Bride to be:

First and foremost – CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement! Although I know you think this is “the happiest time in your life”, you are sorely mistaken. In fact, more than half of US marriages end in divorce these days. You and your fiancé will most likely join those ranks. But, if you are insistent on getting married, I hope you are ready to spend lonely nights waiting for your man to come home. Chances are he will be out philandering with strippers, cocktail waitresses and other hussies. You probably will end up sniffing his shirts, picking up traces of dime store knockoff CK1.

The best part will be when you catch crabs from your cheating hubby. At first you will be too embarrassed to confront him about it – but after a few glasses (or bottles) of wine alone on a Friday night, when your husband is “working late”, you will work up the courage to confront him. He will deny it, you will cry and beg for the truth. Trust me, you don’t want to know.

If you are stilllllll considering marrying this guy, take a gander at the enclosed packet. All the deets are outlined in there. Let’s meet about 6 weeks before your “big day” to discuss linen colors, etc. Other than that, please don’t bother me. Your event is NOT the biggest thing to ever happen at the Lodge. Honestly. Your final numbers are due 5 business days before your blessed union. No exceptions. I don’t care how important you think you are. I am not excited about spending my “day off” at your party. Sorry, but it’s the truth.
Late-skies,









Catering Sales Manager

Today I realized...

* I am a child of God.
* I am running on too short of a fuse. I need to be patient with those around me. The world is my oyster, yes, but no one died and made me the Queen of Sheba.
* My mind is made up...I am ready to take on the loneliness of my rebrand mission.
* Inevitably, I reach the discreet elevator landing at work just as some random hotel guest rips ass. Stinky, awkward chatter ensues..."how is your stay?" "let us know if there is anything we can do to improve your experience"... How about "wtf did you eat for dinner, mister?" "Are you feeling okay?"...
* Life is a GIANT rollercoaster...but all in all, it ain't so bad.

Rebranding...

Well, the official rebranding has begun. Bring it on, World!!!

Grrr...

I have forgotten how painful Friday afternoons are. Not an ounce of motivation. Facebook. Ipod. Cell phone. Blskrhtoeockhg.e

Things I know...

* Frozen Peas are amazing.
* I have a definite crush on the guy I took to my Sadie Hawkins dance a good 11 years ago.
* I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning. So I am forced to wake up early, shave my legs and self tan. Damn it.
* I am missing my "all day chats" with my Gchat buddy. Surprising someone who I barely know at all can know me better than most in my life. Perhaps some version of anonymity breeds honesty.
* I have been in bed every night before 9. Yay, middle aged-ness. You are rapidly approaching.
* David Sedaris, the Dalai Lama, Anthony Bourdain. I love my current books.

Things I Know - Brought to You by The Day Thursday

* Being employed is far more exciting than laying in bed wondering what working again would be like. It turns out there is an entire world of functioning people who wake up before the sun and are proud to do so. I am happy to be included in this group.
* A little stress is good for me. Nerves might cause a racing heart. But how else can I appreciate a silent moment?
* My haircut is still God-awful.
* No man wants a woman who doesn't love herself. This, however, hasn't been my problem for years. It's just an observation.
* A great smile can outshine a beer belly any day. Nice tits will always trump a great smile, though.
* I'm in need of a manicure. They are pointless, as I seem to chip my nails instantly but nonetheless.
* I just went through my entire phonebook looking for a man to solicit. There wasn't a single possibility.
* John Mayer and Ben Harper make me laugh. Either that or cry. I blame the wine and the douchebag ex.
*

Things I know - Wednesday Edition

* My new haircut is severely unattractive.
* My new job is great. It's wonderful. It will hopefully pay the bills, teach me new things, keep my attention, and help me reach my potential.
* Shantae is my new best friend. Sorry Les and Sarah. Sorry Heather and Danny. Shantae and I have bonded. She understands me. She's the best car ever.
* Healthcare reform makes me smile. I might have been brought up in a very republican household but I am proud to be a liberal, socialist-adoring, working woman. I am proud to have voted for Obama. Is he perfect? Hell no. And I like it that way.
* My "Singer/Songwriter" Genius mix on ITunes inspires me to create. Just why isn't this artist painting anything these days? They gave me a degree in creativity. Literally. I should be painting. Right?! How does ITunes come up with these mixes? You know what they are?! GENIUS!
* Spiders are gross and especially so when found in your bedroom. Gross. Get your eight legs OFF of my floor. How did you get your creepy-crawly ass into my apartment?

Jobs, Cars and Caffeine

I haven't written in a long time. Not for lack of interesting topics, just a lack of time. I travelled to L.A. to see Heather and Jefe, having the best time. Ever. The Aquarium of the Pacific is Ahhh-mazing. Check it out if you are ever down there.
I start my new job tomorrow. Five months of not working has me feeling a little short on confidence. I know I will be okay, I just feel my palms getting damp and my feet start to slip around in my shoes a bit. My tummy begins to grumble - and not in a good way. Perhaps it is my absolute, sheer terror of bridges and freeways that has me nervous. My commute consists of nothing but these horrific entities - and they are therefore unavoidable. Thank goodness I have become the recent acquirer of Shantae, my Big, Black Mama. Otherwise known as a "thrifty" purchase, my new car is an exciting rite of passage.
I have also decided I have given up promiscuity for lent. Primarily because I am in the middle of a dry spell. WTF, men of Portland?! Where are you? If I end up a dried up old prune I am blaming all of you, damn it. Honestly. I know if I don't get off my couch on a Friday night and do something social I will never meet a "nice boy". But my perpetual singlehood as me feeling a tad uneasy about socializing in public places. Such a catch-22. Sigh.
Anyway, world, wish me luck tomorrow. I am off to conquer the catering world. One banquet at a time.
xo

Panic attack and heartburn...

6 months, 14 days

It has been exactly 6 months and two weeks since Joe and I broke up. Why do I know that?!!? I wish I didn't. I wish it was not something I think about every. Single. Day. I still get that twinge of a memory now and then - the gut wrenching, awful, cringe-worthy moment when I miss him. Movies, songs, TV shows, jokes...they all can trigger a memory of our relationship.
At last I can honestly say I have moved on. I can accept the fact he wanted out. I can deal with the fact we are no longer in each other's lives. And I am okay with these facts. I was a happy girl before Joey and I am/will be a happy girl without Joey. Hearts mend, thank God - and I will meet Mr. Right when I am supposed to. Tomorrow I will go to the gym and listen to The Clash and smile.

Family Sundays - Hair Care and Sunshine

I have been spending Sundays at Mom and Dad's for years. We often walk the 3.7 mile Fairmont Loop together, chatting about the local neighbors and other such fodder. Today we decided to do a more aerobic walk, walking the hilly neighborhood surrounding my parent's home. It was georgous out today, bright blue skies, brisk 60 degree weather. My father trudged a good 50 feet in front of my mother and I, scoffing at our turtle's pace.
We worked up a nice family sweat, finishing our walk with a trip to the local grocery store. Here we stood out like a sore thumb. Mostly filled with women in their Sunday's Finest, we were sweaty, beet red and loud. My dad called me over to the "British Food Aisle" to laugh at a can of "spotted dick pudding" (I have to agree, it's pretty funny, Dad).
We always make a nice Sunday dinner (tonight it's steak and veggie sausage on the BBQ, fingerling potatoes and spinach) and watch 60 Minutes together. We also watch This Week, although my mom is saddened by George Stephenopolis' recent departure. As I type this, my parents' eyes are glued to the TV. The Pennsylvania Governor and Arnold are on today, discussing something about economy - and the Olympics? The only comment my parents' have made since the beginning of the program?
Dad: "Arnold colors his hair".
Mom: "Of course he does".

Valentine's Shmalentines

Happy Valentine's Day. Blech.

So, everyone knows today is a "Hallmark Holiday", invented by the card and candy industry to make a buck. Here's my question: why invent a holiday to celebrate something as arbitrary, as elusive as LOVE?

I mean, not everyone has a significant other. Not all of us want one, either. Yet, here comes February 14th and inevitably us singletons are left feeling, well, mediocre. No one greeted me with smiles and kisses this morning, no one offered to take me to dinner, and to my horror, my PARENTS sent me flowers. A sweetly intended gesture that made me nauseous. Yes, I am alone. I am nobody's sweetheart. 364 days a year I can swallow this fact. It's just this one day it seems a little rancid.

I am nobody's sweetheart, but I am Dan's Valentine. My dear, sweet, Dan asked me - via text message - to be his Valentine. A very generous offer. Especially since he lives in Georgia. I am thankful to have friends like Dan. The kind of close friendships that span decades and pick up right where they left off.

Tomorrow is a new day and I can wake up feeling empowered about my single status again. Tonight I think I will pop a few Tylenol PMs and dream of Mr. Right.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

It's raining today. I normally like the rain but today it's wearing on me. Can't deny it fits my mood, however. I'm in a worrying mood. A brooding mood. A pouting mood.

My day started out early with a doctor's appointment. Figured I might as well get the whole gamut of tests, as I haven't been to the doctor in years. Literally, years. I can't help but admit I am scared. I'm scared so many of my peers are getting seriously ill. I'm scared I don't take strict precaution in my love life. I'm scared of bad news.

Also weighing heavy on my heart is the idea of leaving Oregon. I have been in serious talks with a recruiter in Denver. While the idea of making a reliable income again is so tempting, I have my reservations. Of course I love my friends and family in Oregon. But, on the other hand, I never left. I feel it may be time to do so. It scares me to death - the thought of being on my own - starting completely anew. But also, it sounds refreshing. A new start, a new job, a new group of men, and friends. This could either turn out wonderfully or awfully.

I know I am complaining today...I just feel like I am so close to something happening. And I am so READY for something, anything to happen.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Numba...

After I hung up the phone with Timmy this morning I kept thinking about one comment he had made: "Do you realize how important the next 5 years are? I mean, we will probably have spouses and kids by then".

Oh. My. God. Talk about pressure. I can't imagine being married. Let alone a mother. I can't even take care of myself. I forget to put my clothes in the dryer. I wear my socks two days in a row. I don't even know how to do my taxes.

Why is it expected for women of my age to have it all figured out? Why is it not socially acceptable for a girl to be single (and happy) at 27?

When I was a little girl I definately thought I would be married and happy by 27. I mean, 27 is old, right? I'm just not sure HOW I got old so quickly.

Restless

Today's realizations:

First off, Dots do NOT make a good breakfast. Although, deceiving because of their wonderful taste, Dots don't provide much sustenance besides sugar. And sugar makes me happy. And crazy. SUGAR MAKES ME WANT TO YELL.

Mike "The Situation" has tainted Sarah's vocabulary forever. It is now impossible to for me to rant on and on about stupid men without her interrupting in laughter. "I'm sorry but whenever you say 'the situation' I can't help but think of Jersey Shore". Excuse me, what? When we are discussing my love life (or pathetic lack there of) I would appreciate it if modern day pop culture references could be checked at the door. Speaking of love lives...

It is not appropriate - no matter how long it has been since you've seen someone - to ask, "When was the last time you got laid?". A classy lady never kisses and tells. Honestly, Wris.

A Fresh Start...

So, I am re-vamping the blog. I know, I know, it's practically brand new. Here's the thing - I was getting depressed reading my own entries. I need warmth, laughter and honesty in my life, not just men. I mean, obviously, I don't need a man. So why dedicate an entire blog to dating (or not dating)? I am sure this reworked version will contain more than a few dating horror stories and inappropriate indiscretions. Don't you worry. My cynicism isn't gone. Just redirected. Names will not be changed - except when they really, really need to be.

Today, while wallowing in my "grumpy mood", Sarah suggested thinking of happy thoughts. Such an easy thing to say when your friend is down in the dumps. But really, not a bad idea. The first things that came to my mind were my new "magic shoes" and limbo sticks. Let's face it. Few things make a girl feel better than new shoes. Black, converse hi-tops. Such a simple indulgence but they make me feel like dancing and nothing feels better than a spin around the living room. And can anyone be grumpy when thinking of the limbo?

** Okay, scratch that. The limbo sucks. In an attempt to make this entry a little snazzy, I just google image searched the limbo stick. Turns out it's Hawaiian.

My fear of all things Polynesian stems from my ex. Joe hailed from the island of Maui and therefore I now find myself having a distinct aversion to the place. In fact, I was actively rooting against Miss Hawaii in Saturday's Miss America Pageant. Poor thing didn't stand a chance with all the booing and hissing I directed at the TV.

I came to two realizations today...

ONE: I can't stand oatmeal. It might be good for you but it's not good. Not good at all. I have an absolute TON of it so I decided to make some for breakfast. I made lots of it. Why not? This magic, heart-friendly food can be a good lunch for later too, right? Ummm, no way. I can't even bring myself to clean out the pot.

TWO: I miss working. A lot. Today, Pat messaged me "Boo Monday". And yes, of course, I replied that Mondays suck. But you know what? Everyday is Sunday for me right now and it's boring. I can stay up as late as I want to any night. I can sleep in everyday. I can sit around in my underwear at 3pm and not think twice about it (yes, I do this. A lot). I am going to write an "unemployed schedule" tomorrow.

Time for the Bachelor. Woot.

Cheers,

Fal