Things I know...Wet Wednesday Edition

Today is really blah.  The weather is horrendous - but I don't mind bad weather.  I kind of enjoy the dark, damp excuse for Oregon's winter season.  I just have had zero motivation to do anything except practice my eBay skills.  It's 3:28 and I just poured a glass of wine.  Whoops.  I feel like I could complain about a lot today but I am not going to let myself.  Instead, I will focus on the blessings I have in my life, ever so small.

* The maintenance guys and I are moving on from "hi...hi" conversations in the hallway to "Hey, you!  How was the wedding?".  The joys of working from home.  It's like I have some random form of office mates.  They just work here...as do I, I suppose.  The younger of the two might be developing a crush on me.  I could be totally wrong, he just turns really red when I walk by in my super tight cropped yoga pants.  Like, realllllly red. 

* I am reminding myself I am single because I want to be.  Of course I could be involved with someone (anyone) if I actually tried.  Take the maintenance guy, for instance.  JOKING.  I consciously choose to stay home or keep my attention focused when I do go out.  I have not "put it out there" that I am looking.  Am I looking?  Sigh.

* I think I need to start researching under-eye creams.  Things are beginning to look crepey.  It could be the fact I have had zero water today...but what if I am beginning to look "old"?????  Deep breaths.  I did just get carded for cigarettes yesterday.  Remain calm.

* I really enjoy sappy Youtube videos.  I won't waste your time posting links.  For reals, though...a good cry is worth it's weight in gold.  Perhaps I should research going back birth control along with eye cream.  My hormones are wacky. 

* I talked to a client named Rick Jones today...had to refrain from yelling out "I'm Rick Jones, Bitch!" at him.  I know, I know...it's Rick James...but Jones is just so close!!

Things I know...Tuesday Edition

I can't believe it's over.  THE celebration of the year is over.  OVER.  My best friend's wedding was an insanely good time, with laughter, a few tears, horrendous dancing, and, well...

Let me put it this way.  As I have stated before, I choose to live with no regrets.  There's no point.  None of can go back and change our past actions.  Plus, sometimes, our indiscretions are fun.  All vagueness aside...things I know...post-wedding edition, brought to you by Tuesday.

* Watching someone you care about be extremely happy is extremely rewarding.  I am so glad the couple has each other.  Their comfort brings me comfort.  Of course, if I'm being honest, the "in your face" gushiness associated with weddings also makes me incredibly lonely.  I am so far from that spot...I know I will get there...I know I will...right?!  The acid in my stomach churns as I realize I am farther from settling down than I ever have been before.  I have not been in any kind of relationship in over two years.  I have enjoyed being single - I have learned who I am, as an adult.  The last two years have taught me about self esteem, self hatred and self discovery.  Here in lies the question - NOW WHAT?  As Danny would say I've spent single hood dating like a guy.  Unattached encounters have their place in this world - I'm just not so sure they still have a place in mine.  No man I've associated with as of late is going to ask me on a date.  My laize fair attitude about dating and men in general has left me with a sour taste.  I think if I actually think about it - if I actually allow myself to be honest, all I have done is hurt my own feelings.  The way I allow myself to be perceived in the eyes of the men in my life does not lend itself to marriage.  Causality is fun, right?  It's sexy to be the girl who doesn't need to snuggle, right?  Ugh.  (Not that I will EVER be okay with the term "snuggle)...
I'm trying to figure out if I ever actually believed it's possible to remain unattached...the semi-pro baller in Seattle, the auction co-chair, the groomsman...I think there is a part of me who might have thought they would wind up caring.  I don't know.  To be honest, I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to have companionship.  Something that might last more than one night.  I just don't want to deal with dating.  Dating is awful.  Dating is torturous.  Dating...sigh.  Dating. 

Things I know...post wedding edition

Despite a promise to write, I haven't. Yeah, yeah. I know.

My best friend got married Saturday. Ugh. Never mind. This post requires more poise than I can give it right now. Let's just say this...her love and companionship is noteworthy. I made no strides in getting anywhere close to what she has post-reception. I had a great time...more to come.