Things I know...Tuesday Edition

I can't believe it's over.  THE celebration of the year is over.  OVER.  My best friend's wedding was an insanely good time, with laughter, a few tears, horrendous dancing, and, well...

Let me put it this way.  As I have stated before, I choose to live with no regrets.  There's no point.  None of can go back and change our past actions.  Plus, sometimes, our indiscretions are fun.  All vagueness aside...things I know...post-wedding edition, brought to you by Tuesday.

* Watching someone you care about be extremely happy is extremely rewarding.  I am so glad the couple has each other.  Their comfort brings me comfort.  Of course, if I'm being honest, the "in your face" gushiness associated with weddings also makes me incredibly lonely.  I am so far from that spot...I know I will get there...I know I will...right?!  The acid in my stomach churns as I realize I am farther from settling down than I ever have been before.  I have not been in any kind of relationship in over two years.  I have enjoyed being single - I have learned who I am, as an adult.  The last two years have taught me about self esteem, self hatred and self discovery.  Here in lies the question - NOW WHAT?  As Danny would say I've spent single hood dating like a guy.  Unattached encounters have their place in this world - I'm just not so sure they still have a place in mine.  No man I've associated with as of late is going to ask me on a date.  My laize fair attitude about dating and men in general has left me with a sour taste.  I think if I actually think about it - if I actually allow myself to be honest, all I have done is hurt my own feelings.  The way I allow myself to be perceived in the eyes of the men in my life does not lend itself to marriage.  Causality is fun, right?  It's sexy to be the girl who doesn't need to snuggle, right?  Ugh.  (Not that I will EVER be okay with the term "snuggle)...
I'm trying to figure out if I ever actually believed it's possible to remain unattached...the semi-pro baller in Seattle, the auction co-chair, the groomsman...I think there is a part of me who might have thought they would wind up caring.  I don't know.  To be honest, I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to have companionship.  Something that might last more than one night.  I just don't want to deal with dating.  Dating is awful.  Dating is torturous.  Dating...sigh.  Dating.