Things I Know...Thursday Edition (I Thought it Was Friday ALLLLL DAY)

Maybe, just maybe, I am ready to grow up...this is still up in the air.
Things I know to be true as of this exact moment:
* Sunday Fundays are wildly fun - until the alarm rings on Monday.  You would think I would have learned this one by now.  I have what can only be described as a contusion on my right arm from a fall I can't remember and have successfully managed to detach myself from my actions.  The problem is - I don't want to be detached.  I want to be present in my own life and learn to feel the emotions my interactions and lack there of should induce.  The majority of people don't believe me when I say I can have no emotion towards a situation.  Only the ones who know exactly how callous I can be, can wrap their mind around the fact I can "shut it off".  These tend to be the people who have actually seen me feel - and know the location of my breakdowns (What?  It's really soft bath mat). 
* There is little point in trying to understand the unexplainable.  Sometimes things just happen.  Good and bad, awful and hilarious - we can control very little in this world except our reactions to our encounters. 
* The littlest gestures make the biggest impact.  Being the voice of reason when someone over-googles medical symptoms, erasing an exe's number from a heartsick friend's phone, offering to sit on the couch with an under the weather companion, or my personal fave as of late - bringing a completely unhealthy meal of Taco Bell to a sick friend - these are the real, day to day actions of a meaningful relationship. 
* The holidays really aren't as great of a time as we all pretend they are.  Sure, we put the smiles on and pretend it's "hap, hap, happiest season of all".  In reality, the holidays make me miserable - and I know I'm not alone here.  Of course I am glad to spend time with my family (or in hindsight I will be glad I did so even if I am dreading it now) but to be honest, the holidays remind me of the relationships I don't have - of the people who aren't with us to celebrate - the emptiness my best friend must be feeling celebrating without her mom for the first time.  That sh*t sucks.  The good news is we get to start over.  We are given a chance to put all those silly, negative thoughts behind us and focus on the hope of a clean slate.  Ah, hope - how very grateful for you I am.
* Sometimes it's the most unexpected people who keep us up until ungodly hours, smiling and secretly hoping the ding of the text notification is them. 

Things I know...Wet Wednesday Edition

Today is really blah.  The weather is horrendous - but I don't mind bad weather.  I kind of enjoy the dark, damp excuse for Oregon's winter season.  I just have had zero motivation to do anything except practice my eBay skills.  It's 3:28 and I just poured a glass of wine.  Whoops.  I feel like I could complain about a lot today but I am not going to let myself.  Instead, I will focus on the blessings I have in my life, ever so small.

* The maintenance guys and I are moving on from "hi...hi" conversations in the hallway to "Hey, you!  How was the wedding?".  The joys of working from home.  It's like I have some random form of office mates.  They just work here...as do I, I suppose.  The younger of the two might be developing a crush on me.  I could be totally wrong, he just turns really red when I walk by in my super tight cropped yoga pants.  Like, realllllly red. 

* I am reminding myself I am single because I want to be.  Of course I could be involved with someone (anyone) if I actually tried.  Take the maintenance guy, for instance.  JOKING.  I consciously choose to stay home or keep my attention focused when I do go out.  I have not "put it out there" that I am looking.  Am I looking?  Sigh.

* I think I need to start researching under-eye creams.  Things are beginning to look crepey.  It could be the fact I have had zero water today...but what if I am beginning to look "old"?????  Deep breaths.  I did just get carded for cigarettes yesterday.  Remain calm.

* I really enjoy sappy Youtube videos.  I won't waste your time posting links.  For reals, though...a good cry is worth it's weight in gold.  Perhaps I should research going back birth control along with eye cream.  My hormones are wacky. 

* I talked to a client named Rick Jones today...had to refrain from yelling out "I'm Rick Jones, Bitch!" at him.  I know, I know...it's Rick James...but Jones is just so close!!

Things I know...Tuesday Edition

I can't believe it's over.  THE celebration of the year is over.  OVER.  My best friend's wedding was an insanely good time, with laughter, a few tears, horrendous dancing, and, well...

Let me put it this way.  As I have stated before, I choose to live with no regrets.  There's no point.  None of can go back and change our past actions.  Plus, sometimes, our indiscretions are fun.  All vagueness aside...things I know...post-wedding edition, brought to you by Tuesday.

* Watching someone you care about be extremely happy is extremely rewarding.  I am so glad the couple has each other.  Their comfort brings me comfort.  Of course, if I'm being honest, the "in your face" gushiness associated with weddings also makes me incredibly lonely.  I am so far from that spot...I know I will get there...I know I will...right?!  The acid in my stomach churns as I realize I am farther from settling down than I ever have been before.  I have not been in any kind of relationship in over two years.  I have enjoyed being single - I have learned who I am, as an adult.  The last two years have taught me about self esteem, self hatred and self discovery.  Here in lies the question - NOW WHAT?  As Danny would say I've spent single hood dating like a guy.  Unattached encounters have their place in this world - I'm just not so sure they still have a place in mine.  No man I've associated with as of late is going to ask me on a date.  My laize fair attitude about dating and men in general has left me with a sour taste.  I think if I actually think about it - if I actually allow myself to be honest, all I have done is hurt my own feelings.  The way I allow myself to be perceived in the eyes of the men in my life does not lend itself to marriage.  Causality is fun, right?  It's sexy to be the girl who doesn't need to snuggle, right?  Ugh.  (Not that I will EVER be okay with the term "snuggle)...
I'm trying to figure out if I ever actually believed it's possible to remain unattached...the semi-pro baller in Seattle, the auction co-chair, the groomsman...I think there is a part of me who might have thought they would wind up caring.  I don't know.  To be honest, I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to have companionship.  Something that might last more than one night.  I just don't want to deal with dating.  Dating is awful.  Dating is torturous.  Dating...sigh.  Dating. 

Things I know...post wedding edition

Despite a promise to write, I haven't. Yeah, yeah. I know.

My best friend got married Saturday. Ugh. Never mind. This post requires more poise than I can give it right now. Let's just say this...her love and companionship is noteworthy. I made no strides in getting anywhere close to what she has post-reception. I had a great time...more to come.

Talent?

Around an outside fire, puffing on ciggies and drinking bourbon, wrapped in scarves and donning winter coats for the first time last night, Alex and I began the topic of talents. Alex can sing - and well, mind you. I wasn't sure what my talent would be...or if I've ever cultivated one. I can knit, I can cook, I can do lots of things...but that's different than being talented. Alex brought up my ability to write. Perhaps the written word is the closest thing to a talent I possess. So here's my pledge to you: I will work on honing my craft. I will once again blog.

Things I Know - Wednesday Edition

June 17th?!
It's been THAT long?!
Much has happened - many new doors opened and many ones shut...all in good time, my friends.

* Being made to feel useful is the best.  Useful often breeds some sort of respect - even power.  Being used has the complete opposite feeling.  The two are very hard to differentiate between.  Or they have been for me lately. 

Never mind - I'm not ready to discuss the above topic yet.  I'm never at a loss for words - this shows you what a mind fu*k the situation has been.

Alright - things I know...today:
* Sometimes a good friend, who knows how much you love Mexican food, Parliament Lights, PBR, sitting on a porch during the first rain of the season, and understands your addiction to the trendy burger joint is more valuable than a gaggle of friends rallying to celebrate you.  A good laugh, being comfortable in your own skin and in the company you are with counts for a lot.  So what if every other girl bailed on my "birthday celebration"?  My yoga-pant-wearing, little dog-toting pal made me feel celebrated - and at ease - a feeling rare around these parts as of late.

* I really do thrive when I take the time I need to decompress.  Working from home is proving to be a great situation for doing so.  I am not rushing out the door, into my car, into the office, into a meeting, out the door, to a happy hour, etc.  I am taking the time to plan things and accomplish them with the tact and level of priority I deem appropriate.  My office mate (Reggie the fish) also doesn't gossip much and rarely annoys me with talk of nonsense.

* I am feeling a bit aggressive today.  Yesterday was the same story.  I'm not naive enough to play dumb to the anger - I know exactly where it stems from.  My feelings are hurt and my ego is bruised - although I am not sure I can reconcile the latter.  I have no regrets in my 29 years...only perhaps I shouldn't have started smoking all those years ago.  Other than that...

* Jealousy is consuming.  I know to run far from the gross feeling when it enters my mind.  But let's be honest - jealousy happens.  So take your freakin' huge ass diamond ring and kiss off (aggressive - I warned you).

* Random thought - related to two separate nights in the last three months - JELLO SHOTS ARE NEVER A GOOD IDEA.  Nothing great ever materializes because of their existence.  Ever.

Things I Know...Friday Edition

 I haven't had much to say lately.  Things are pretty monotonous, boring, bland.

* I am having a dinner party tomorrow.  My first real, grown up dinner party.  The occasion is "Midsgiving", celebrating the halfway point to Thanksgiving.  A random assortment of characters will be there - people I am thankful for and whose company I value and enjoy.  Funny hats are a requirement.  Seriously.  My cooking skills will most likely fail but as long as there is wine...right???  We will be having a cheese display, salad, pasta, and Bre is bringing dessert.  Everyone is bringing their own chair and drink of choice.  I am hoping for a rowdy round of boardgames after dinner and lots of laughs.  Linens and tables were drug from work to my tiny appartment, hopefully I can find some extra white dishes and only 6 people can drink wine.  Unless someone uses the santa mug...I just want to have fun.  I am very blessed - and mostly by the strong, funny, fierce people in my life.  Celebrating them is the most fun thing I could think of.